Imi Lo

By covering up our anger, prematurely moving into fake forgiveness, drowning our truths to protect others, letting go of our boundaries for surface harmony, we are bypassing an essential step in our attainment of emotional freedom. 

But how do we come to terms with our wounds? How could we, despite being deeply injured, move past and beyond our history? 

It may seem paradoxical at first glance, but the answer to healing from defensive non-attachment is actually to affirm our ultimate autonomy and resilience. 

We push away good things in life because deep down, we worry that we would not survive losses and heartbreaks. 

If we know we are strong enough to go through grieve, disappointment and heartbreaks, then placing our trust in someone’s hand would become much less threatening. 

Sometimes, in an intimate partnership, we could not help but act out of unrealistic demands, projections, and expectations, as if we are testing the limit of reality.

We often, albeit unconsciously, look to our current relationships to fulfil our deepest unfulfilled needs and longings, to plug the gaps in our psyches, and to heal where we have been wounded. When our partner disappoints us, the situation provides valuable information that points to our deepest longings.

Through awareness and reflections, we realise what we are deeply hungry for – someone to mirror our expressions, to celebrate our existence, for us to trust and occasionally rely on, or to share a sense of kinship and likeness. 

If we were to peel back, one layer after another, to the root of what now seems to be an unruly beast, we often find a tiny, fragile, tender seed of deprived need.

Because of their innate excitabilities, and the capacity to absorb and process a vast amount of information, they need a consistent supply of rigorous, ‘good quality’ stimulations, from a multitude of sources.

Physical activities, sensual comfort, emotional depth, intellectual discourse, cultures, adventures and having varieties in life— these are the essential nutrients for their health and optimal functioning.

How can you be yourself, even when you are different?   Can you live with full integrity, without being attacked or annihilated? 

We shall explore how to survive situations and conventional settings in which you don’t neatly ‘fit in,’ or even inadvertently attacked or put down. We will discuss how to manage painful emotional flashbacks, set personal and psychological boundaries, bounce back from interpersonal injuries, and ultimately, use these hostile situations as opportunities to learn and grow.

“MY CBT therapist told me those were ‘irrational thinking,’ which made it worse- now I just blame myself;”

“ I have gone through my childhood trauma many times, but when I argue with my partner, I still behave like a five-year-old!” 

Our psyche, like everything else in nature, has its wisdom. When our psyche is fully equipped, we could not stop the move towards wholeness even if we try. 

What do you do when no one is watching? 
With whom do you feel most at ease? 
When does your natural humour, playfulness, and spontaneity come out?

Many of us have developed an adaptive social self, or a way of being that is carefully edited, partially silenced and rigidly held. In this letter, I start with a personal sharing about my struggle to walk away from the conventional myths of what we must do and the cultural confines of what it means to be successful. We end the with the small changes that we can make today to work towards inner freedom.

Can you feel truly belonged, if you are not being yourself? 

Here is the news:

You are allowed to tell someone you are angry, annoyed, frustrated, even when there is no ‘justified,’ ‘logical’ reason. 
You are allowed to tell the world the strength and velocity of your feelings.
You are allowed to stop putting on that fake smile. 
You do not need anyone’s permission for all the intensity inside of you to come up and come out.