Summary
Today, we’re joined by Dr. Balfour, a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and psychoanalytic psychotherapist. He is the author of Life and Death: Our Relationship with Ageing, Dementia, and Other Fates of Time. In this conversation, we delve into the intersection of aging, relationships, and the search for meaning. Dr. Balfour shares his research on fostering emotional connections for couples in which one partner has dementia, and how small, everyday moments can create meaning even in the most challenging circumstances.
Dr. Balfour also reflects on society’s neglect of aging and mortality as crucial topics, attributing this to our collective fear of vulnerability and a cultural obsession with youth. This discussion doesn’t shy away from the realities of aging, such as dependency, increased vulnerability, and existential regrets, but it also offers hope. Dr. Balfour shares valuable insights on navigating the challenges of aging, loneliness, and regret, providing practical ways to foster resilience and connection.
Whether you’re reflecting on your own journey or supporting a loved one through the aging process, I hope this conversation resonates with you and offers a meaningful opportunity to consider these important themes.
Exploring the Intersection of Aging, Relationships, and Meaning
In today’s fast-paced, often youth-obsessed world, the intersection of aging, relationships, and the search for meaning is a topic that deeply resonates yet remains under-discussed. Dr. Andrew Balfour, a distinguished psychoanalyst, offers profound insights into this subject. His reflections highlight how relationships are central to finding meaning, especially during the vulnerable periods of aging.
Dr. Balfour’s career began with a fascination for psychoanalytic and psychodynamic approaches, which led to his training as a clinical psychologist. His work at Tavistock Relationships focuses on helping couples uncover the deeper patterns and dynamics beneath their struggles, particularly as they age. He emphasizes the importance of breaking entrenched negative cycles, which often take root over decades.
But this exploration isn’t limited to romantic relationships. Dr. Balfour highlights the universal need for connection—whether with partners, family, friends, or caregivers. Meaningful relationships, he argues, are essential to navigating life’s complexities, especially in later years when the question of “What truly matters?” becomes unavoidable.
One of Dr. Balfour’s most compelling areas of focus is dementia, a topic that remains largely invisible in public discourse. Early in his career, he was struck by the lack of understanding and acknowledgment of the emotional lives of those with cognitive impairments.
His work sheds light on an often-overlooked truth: even in the midst of cognitive decline, individuals retain layers of awareness, anxieties, and emotional need. Dementia does not erase the human capacity for connection. Dr. Balfour advocates for environments that foster emotional contact, even when verbal communication diminishes. Small gestures, shared presence, and empathetic understanding can create profound moments of meaning, even in silence.
Our society, steeped in a culture of youth and productivity, fears aging—not just death, but the physical and cognitive decline that can precede it. This fear often leads to the marginalization of older adults, who are seen as reminders of mortality rather than as individuals with ongoing emotional and psychological needs.
Dr. Balfour calls for a radical shift in how we view aging. Instead of focusing on what is lost, he invites us to recognize the potential for growth, connection, and meaning in later life. By acknowledging the emotional needs of older adults and their caregivers, we can create a more compassionate and inclusive society.
What stands out most in Dr. Balfour’s reflections is his emphasis on connection. It’s not grand insights or profound realizations that matter most, but the simple, human act of trying to understand and connect with others. Meeting people where they are, acknowledging their experiences as valid and meaningful, can transform relationships. Dr. Balfour’s insights offer a reminder that meaning can be found in unexpected places: in a shared moment, a small act of empathy, or the quiet resilience of simply being present with another person.
Aging, as Dr. Balfour suggests, is not just about loss. It is also about potential. Emotional development and growth are possible at any stage of life. Even in the face of challenges like dementia, creativity and adaptability can foster connection and meaning.
Ultimately, Dr. Balfour urges us to reimagine our approach to aging. By valuing empathy, presence, and emotional support, we can navigate life’s later stages with resilience and dignity. Aging, in this light, becomes less about decline and more about the opportunity to deepen our connections with ourselves and others.
For anyone grappling with questions of meaning or navigating the complexities of human relationships, Dr. Balfour’s reflections serve as a powerful reminder: what matters most is connection—being seen, heard, and understood. And that, perhaps, is the essence of what it means to live a meaningful life.
Some extracted quotes from Dr. Balfour:
- “The endpoint of the dementing illness was people lose their connection with meaning.”
- “Connecting with them beyond words. And that’s been really powerful, very, very moving work.”
- “Aging and the signs of aging are messengers of death, aren’t they?”
- “We’re all going to get older and die. The question is, can we bear it enough?”
About Dr. Andrew Balfour:
Andrew Balfour trained as a clinical psychologist at University College London and then as an adult psychotherapist at the Tavistock & Portman NHS Trust. He subsequently trained as a couple psychotherapist at Tavistock Relationships, where for more than 10 years he was Clinical Director before becoming Chief Executive in 2016.
Dr. Belfour’s book:
Life and Death Our Relationship with Ageing, Dementia, and Other Fates of Time, published by Routledge in 2025
Imi Lo is a mental health consultant, philosophical consultant, and writer who guides individuals and groups toward a more meaningful and authentic life. Her internationally acclaimed books are translated into more than six languages languages and sought out by readers worldwide for their compassionate and astute guidance.
Imi's background includes two Master's degrees—one in Mental Health and one in Buddhist Studies—alongside training in philosophical consulting, Jungian theories, global cultures, and mindfulness-based modalities. You can contact Imi for a one-to-one consulting session that is catered to your specific needs.