Today we’re joined by Nicole Matusow, a psychotherapist who’s going to take us on a deep dive into the fascinating world of limerence – that overwhelming, obsessive state of romantic infatuation that can completely take over our lives. With her extensive background in psychoanalysis, Nicole will help us understand the unconscious mechanisms driving this intense experience, from the early attachment patterns that set the stage to the role of fantasy and emotional regulation.
We’ll explore why some of us are more prone to limerence than others, how early experiences shape our romantic patterns, and most importantly – what we can actually do about it. Whether you’re currently experiencing limerence or supporting someone who is, I hope this conversation will be useful to you.
About Nicole:
Nicole Matusow is a New York City psychotherapist practicing in the Flatiron area. She sees both individuals and couples/family members, taking a contemporary psychoanalytic and feelings-based approach. Her practice addresses limerence, judgmental self-talk, people-pleasing, difficulties in conveying thoughts and feelings, and familial ruptures.
She offers both in-person and teletherapy services.
Limerence: Have You Ever Been Obsessively in Love?
Love is powerful and transformative – but it can also become a painful obsession. In psychological terms, we call this state limerence. First identified by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, limerence is that state of intense romantic infatuation where one person dominates every single minute of your mind.
The roots of limerence often trace back to our earliest experiences of love and attachment. Nicole Matuscow, drawing from her psychoanalytic background and personal experience, explains that limerence typically stems from patterns of intermittent caregiving rather than severe attachment trauma. She notes the subtle yet important difference: True attachment trauma comes from either complete absence or abuse in caregiving. But in limerence we are looking at a mix of present and absent care— you often do not know when you will get which. This creates an addictive cycle— very much like the slot machine I sometimes talk about, it becomes tempting to ‘keep trying’.
Or, much like experimental animals responding to intermittent rewards, young children learn that their needs might or might not be met. When comfort comes unpredictably, they develop a push-pull relationship with emotional connections that can later surface in romantic relationships as limerence.
Fantasy in limerence isn’t just daydreaming – it’s a sophisticated emotional regulation tool that Nicole describes as a “psychic retreat.” This concept, developed by psychoanalyst Franco DeMasi, perfectly captures the limerent experience. “I think of it as a landscape of fantasy,” Nicole explains. “An infant lying in the crib, not getting what they want… can retreat into being held. They can imagine smelling what they smell and seeing their mother smile back at them. This early coping mechanism follows us into adulthood, taking on more complex forms. Often it happens at night. People close their eyes and go back, think about the person they’re limerent for, go through evidence of ‘did this person want me or not?’ They fantasize about the future, or even right now, ‘is this person thinking of me?’ And they’re gone – they’ve retreated into fantasy.
Unlike straightforward attachment trauma or simple idealization, limerence involves a unique relationship with longing itself. Nicole emphasizes that it is a relationship with longing itself, not with the limerent object (the person you are obsessed with). This longing often attaches to emotionally unavailable people or impossible situations, which mirrors the pattern of intermittent reinforcement from childhood. The limerent object becomes what Nicole calls “the test” – a way to validate one’s worth and lovability. However, this test is inherently flawed because it’s based on “breadcrumbs” – minimal signs of interest or attention that you pick up for sustenance but is ultimately not fulfilling enough for life.
A striking revelation from the conversation is that most people who experience limerence also experience self-attack and shame. This shows up as harsh self-criticism, with people describing themselves as “ridiculous” or “stupid” for their feelings. This self-attack, Nicole explains, is actually “rejecting or abandoning the part of them that is just crying for their mother or for the breast or the bottle or to be held.”
Nicole emphasizes the importance of psychodynamic therapy in treating limerence, particularly because it addresses the deep-rooted patterns and unconscious mechanisms involved. While approaches like DBT, EMDR, CBT, and other approaches can be helpful, she argues that depth work is crucial for understanding deep-rooted attachment patterns that limerence is built on. The therapeutic relationship provides a new model of consistent, boundaries care, — what we like to call a ‘corrective experinece’ in psychodynamic therapies. Working with fantasy patterns and developing self-compassion are also central to the healing process.
While therapy provides a crucial foundation, practical strategies for managing limerence can be useful too. We discussed how simple acts of physical self-soothing, like touching one’s own shoulder or face, can also provide surprisingly tangible and immediate comfort. Developing emotional awareness helps identify and validate underlying needs, while conscious redirection can help break the cycle of fantasy. Perhaps most importantly, creative expression offers a powerful channel for limerent energy.
Rather than viewing limerence purely as pathology, we should also recognize the immense creative potential embedded in it. Creativity is libidinal. It’s passion, as Nicole would say. The same intense energy that fuels limerent obsession can be channeled into artistic expression. She suggested for we to start with even small creative commitments that can gradually transform limerent energy into something more sustainable and fulfilling.
The goal isn’t to eliminate limerent tendencies but to understand and transform them. As Nicole explains, you can’t stop the feelings from coming up, but it’s what you do with them that matters. With proper support and self-understanding, limerent energy can be channeled into more sustainable forms of connection – both with ourselves and others. This involves developing emotional literacy, building authentic relationships based on mutual growth rather than fantasy, and cultivating a kind, understanding relationship with oneself.
Moving beyond limerence involves developing a new relationship with oneself and one’s emotional needs. In this process, we learn to listen to and respond to our own needs, and emotional signals. We learn to build real relationships based on mutual growth rather than fantasy, and we will find healthy outlets for intense emotional energy. Most importantly, it’s about developing self-compassion – a kind, understanding relationship with ourselves that can hold both our pain and our potential.
When properly understood, limerence reveals itself not just as a form of suffering, but as evidence of our deep well for love, creativity, and resilience. The key lies in learning to honor these deep emotional needs while finding healthier ways to meet them.
Imi Lo is a mental health consultant, philosophical consultant, and writer who guides individuals and groups toward a more meaningful and authentic life. Her internationally acclaimed books are translated into more than six languages languages and sought out by readers worldwide for their compassionate and astute guidance.
Imi's background includes two Master's degrees—one in Mental Health and one in Buddhist Studies—alongside training in philosophical consulting, Jungian theories, global cultures, and mindfulness-based modalities. You can contact Imi for a one-to-one consulting session that is catered to your specific needs.