Jessica, author of Anxiously Attached (2022), returns to share the evolution of her work in her new book, Safe, a deeper, attachment-informed guide to building secure relationships. Unlike her first book, which focused primarily on anxious attachment, Safe covers all four patterns: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. She emphasizes that most people carry more than one embedded pattern that can be awakened in different contexts, and introduces her Wheel of Attachment model to map how we move along the spectrum depending on relationships and circumstances. Even those with an overall secure base can swing into more anxious, avoidant, or disorganized states at times.
A central message is that healing attachment wounds is relational and neurological, not purely cognitive. Drawing on interpersonal neurobiology, Jessica explains how early experiences, especially those from ages zero to seven, live in the body as implicit memory. In safe, anchoring relationships with therapists, partners, coaches, or trusted others, our nervous systems co-regulate. In such containers, neural nets associated with early attachment experiences can open, allowing held material to surface and integrate. She emphasizes neuroception of safety, mirror neurons, and the internalization of anchors as mechanisms of change. For that reason, she argues that the earliest attachment wounds cannot be healed in isolation. They require another nervous system capable of holding depth without judgment, a consistent, regulating presence.
The anxious and avoidant dance stems from opposite fear responses: anxious partners seek closeness to regulate, while avoidant partners distance to regulate. Their mutual magnetism often comes from each person being drawn to a quality they have lost in themselves, whether that is aliveness for the avoidant or perceived stability for the anxious. Many people alternate anxious and avoidant tendencies depending on the relationship, whether romantic, friendship, or work-related, with protectors (avoidant defenses) emerging after repeated hurt. Labeling helps, but personalized histories matter most. For couples with insecure patterns, healing together is possible if both are willing and supported through modalities like EFT or Imago therapy. If only one person engages, outcomes vary: either the relationship stabilizes as reactivity decreases, or the healing individual may outgrow the dynamic. A key discipline is to stop trying to fix the partner and instead attend to what is being awakened within oneself.
Clinically, Jessica sees a wide range of presentations. She urges practitioners to do their own deep work and notes that not all therapists can offer the kind of somatically attuned, non-agenda holding required for early attachment repair. She reframes triggers as being touched or awakened, inviting curiosity rather than shame: ask what is being awakened, how young it feels, and what earlier wound it touches. For those who identify with people-pleasing or fawning, she contextualizes these as intelligent anxious adaptations, tracking others’ needs to preserve connection, and encourages exploring what arises in the body when one says no instead of judging the behavior. The work focuses less on stopping the behavior and more on tolerating the anxiety that arises when setting boundaries and tracing it to its origins.
Signs of healing are concrete: increased response flexibility, more time between activation and action, a kinder observing stance toward oneself, and measurable neural changes through neuroplasticity as prefrontal and amygdala connectivity shifts. Safe offers both the science and the practical pathways to cultivate internal and external anchors for lasting security.
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JESSICA BAUM is a licensed psychotherapist whose journey began with a lifelong curiosity about the “Whys” of life—why we feel, connect, and experience the world the way we do. This passion led her to specialize in trauma, attachment theory, and interpersonal neurobiology. Jessica believes that connection—to ourselves and others—is at the heart of healing, and she uses a range of modalities to help individuals and couples return to wholeness. She is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a private group practice, and she leads a global coaching company offering support to clients worldwide. Jessica is a certified addiction specialist and Imago couples therapist with advanced training in EMDR, experiential therapy, CBT, and DBT. Her bestselling book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, established her as a trusted voice in the healing of attachment wounds and building secure, fulfilling relationships.
TO ORDER SAFE: https://www.amazon.com/Safe-Attachment-Informed-Building-Secure-Relationships/dp/0593850815
Imi Lo is an independent consultant who has dedicated her career to helping emotionally intense and highly sensitive people turn their depth into strength. Her three books, Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity, The Gift of Intensity, and The Gift of Empathy are translated into multiple languages. Imi's background includes two Master's degrees—one in Mental Health and one in Buddhist Studies—alongside training in philosophical consulting, Jungian theories, global cultures, and mindfulness-based modalities. Her multicultural perspective has been enriched by living across the UK, Australia, and Asia, alongside her work with organizations such as Doctors Without Borders and the NHS (UK). Throughout her career, she has served as a psychotherapist, suicide crisis counselor, mental health supervisor, and trainer for therapists and coaches. You can contact Imi for a one-to-one consulting session that is catered to your specific needs.