In this episode, I speak with integrative psychotherapist Joseph Pawson to explore the territory of his forthcoming book, Dependency and Denial, which examines what happens when our need for others gets exiled from awareness, and what it costs us to keep it there.
We talk about why dependency is not the pathological clinginess most people associate with the word, but something far more universal, the very basis of how we relate to each other and to the world. Joe describes how, when early experiences of not being met are too painful, we can build an identity around self-sufficiency that works so well it becomes its own kind of trap, particularly for people with strong intellects or high emotional capacity, the very people who are most able to survive without letting anyone in.
We get into what denial actually looks like in someone who is functioning well on the surface, the kind of person who can talk about vulnerability with real fluency but cannot let anyone carry anything for them. Joe speaks honestly about writing the book partly as a letter to himself, and about his own difficulty with needing others.
We also get into a fear I hear often: the conviction that if you allow yourself to need someone, you will need too much and overwhelm them entirely.
Joe’s book Dependency and Denial is published by Karnac Books. He can be found at jpsychotherapy.co.uk.
About Joe
Joe Pawson is an integrative psychotherapist registered with the UKCP, with over ten years of experience. His approach draws on developmental, humanistic, relational, and transpersonal traditions.
https://www.jppsychotherapy.co.uk
The book: https://www.karnacbooks.com/Author.asp?AID=26116
Imi Lo is an independent consultant who has dedicated her career to helping emotionally intense and highly sensitive people turn their depth into strength. Her three books, Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity, The Gift of Intensity, and The Gift of Empathy, are translated into multiple languages.
Imi holds three master's degrees in Mental Health, Buddhist Studies, and Global Cultures, alongside training in philosophical counseling, Jungian psychology, and other modalities. Her multicultural perspective has been enriched by living and working across the UK, Australia, and Asia, including with organizations such as Médecins Sans Frontières/Doctors Without Borders and the NHS (UK). Throughout her career, she has served as a psychotherapist, art therapist, suicide crisis social worker, mental health supervisor, and trainer for mental health professionals.
You can contact Imi for a one-to-one consulting session tailored to your specific needs.