Existential Therapy and Coaching: Finding Meaning in a Meaningless World

Existential therapy and coaching offer a framework for navigating life’s challenging transitions, including midlife crises, existential angst, and major life decisions. It addresses the root of these struggles, exploring anxieties around freedom, purpose, and mortality. This approach can even illuminate and resolve seemingly unrelated issues like procrastination and perfectionism, revealing their connection to deeper existential concerns.

Existential Therapy and Coaching: Finding Meaning in a Meaningless World

Do you ever have that nagging feeling that you’re not living life to the fullest? A sense of unease, a whisper in the back of your mind questioning if this is all there is? This feeling, often amplified during midlife, is likely pointing to your deeply buried existential dread – the awareness of our mortality and the inherent lack of meaning in existence. It’s that unsettling feeling that time is slipping away, that we haven’t truly embraced our potential or pursued our deepest passions. This can manifest as a midlife crisis or a more pervasive, low-grade anxiety about the meaning of life. Usually, this is when existential therapy and coaching can be helpful— when all else seems to fail. Existential therapy and coaching provide a framework for navigating these existential questions and anxieties. Unlike some therapies that focus on symptom reduction or changing specific behaviors, existential therapy delves into the underlying meaning and purpose of your life. It’s about understanding how you create meaning, confront your anxieties about freedom, death, and isolation, and ultimately live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

All our lives, we chase success, build relationships, and pursue happiness. Yet, the nagging question persists: Do we have free will? Is everything just random? Why do bad things happen to good people and vice versa? Does God exist? What if there is no grand cosmic plan, no inherent purpose to our existence? At certain junctures in our lives, when we desperately need answers to these questions, not having them can trigger a profound sense of emptiness, a feeling of being adrift in a vast, indifferent universe. This is the terrain of existential dread, a universal human experience.

In existential therapy and coaching, understanding the nature of existential dread is the first step toward navigating many of our deep-rooted anxieties, which would then ripple to many more surface areas of our lives. Philosophers have explored existential dread as a phenomenon extensively, and many offer poignant and applicable insights into its origins and potential pathways to overcome its paralyzing grip. Existential therapy and coaching draw upon these philosophical insights across time and space and translate them into practical strategies for managing existential anxieties.

 

 

The Paradox of Freedom: Condemned to Choose

At the heart of our existential dread is knowing that our time on earth is finite. We are conscious of our limited time here— a reality that can be both exhilarating and terrifying. This awareness, coupled with the constant barrage of choices we face, can lead to a sense of being overwhelmed, even paralyzed. We yearn for meaning and purpose, yet we find ourselves in a world that doesn’t offer easy answers.

The rapid pace of technological and societal change only exacerbates our existential dread. The pressure to adapt, the erosion of traditional values, and the overwhelming influx of information can leave us feeling adrift and disconnected.  Churches, once pillars of moral guidance, no longer hold the authority they once had. Political ideologies have revealed their limitations and fallibility. Even modern science, one touted as the answer to all human problems, is now subject to manipulation, endlessly skewed by online influencers, pop psychology, and social media.

Jean-Paul Sartre, a key figure in existentialist thought, famously proclaimed that we are “condemned to be free.” This seemingly paradoxical statement highlights the core of our human condition. We are responsible, Sartre argues, for creating our meaning, and values, and deciding what our lives will be about.  There’s no pre-determined path, no inherent purpose waiting to be discovered. We are born into a world without intrinsic meaning, and the task, the sometimes daunting burden, of forging our meaning falls squarely on our shoulders.

The freedom to choose, while potentially empowering, can be a source of profound anxiety. You might ask yourself: What if I choose the wrong path? What if my choices lead to suffering, regret, and a life unlived? This inherent paradox of choice—its simultaneous potential for liberation and paralysis—lies at the heart of our existential dread.

Sartre’s notion” that we are all “cursed” to be free isn’t about physical confinement. It’s about the inescapable responsibility of making choices, big and small, every single day. Each choice, from who you spend time with to what task you tackle next, shapes who you are and the life you create. Even seemingly insignificant decisions contribute to the ongoing project of self-creation.

And here is the daunting part: Sartre reminds us that even when we refuse to choose, that refusal is itself a choice. We may try to hide behind indecision, letting circumstances or other people dictate our path. We tell ourselves we have no choice, that acting otherwise would have been too difficult and too painful. We might rationalize our inaction by claiming we don’t want to hurt or disappoint others, as if we have any real control over their reactions. But in each instance of not choosing, we are, choosing nonetheless. Our inaction is not a neutral state; it is a choice that shapes our reality just as powerfully as any action. By refusing to choose, we effectively choose to let others, or the social schema, cultural pressure, or institutional dictate…, determine our fate. We are choosing to abdicate our responsibility for our own lives.

And for many of us, the fear of choosing “wrongly” often leads to what Sartre called “bad faith”—a self-deception where we pretend we don’t have a choice.  We cling to the wreckage of the familiar, even when our souls ache for something more. We turn a blind eye to the fact that we can choose and let our inner drive and passion dwindle in an inauthentic life. We may adopt prescribed roles and behaviors to avoid the anxiety of genuine self-creation. This inauthenticity, however, offers only a temporary bandage, but ultimately deepens the underlying dread.

This fear of choosing “wrongly” often leads to what Sartre called “bad faith”—a self-deception where we pretend we have no agency. We cling to the wreckage of the familiar, even when our souls ache for something more. We turn a blind eye to our inherent freedom, letting our inner drive and passion dwindle in a life that feels increasingly inauthentic. We adopt prescribed roles and behaviors, anything to avoid the anxiety of genuine self-creation. This inauthenticity offers only a reprieve, ultimately deepening the underlying dread. We may even feel guilty because we know we are letting our only life slip by without truly living in it.

Consider the workaholic stuck in a dead-end job, driven by an unspoken fear of confronting deeper questions about purpose and passion. Or someone who remains in an unfulfilling relationship, avoiding difficult conversations and burying their true feelings, only to find resentment festering towards their partner and even their children. There is no judgment here, however. We all have our forms of lying to ourselves for the sake of survival, fitting in, pleasing our family, and finding our footing in the first part of our lives. It may vary in degrees, and some of us may be more conscious of our bad faith than others, but we all do it to a degree.

The Midnight Turn

The midlife transition often brings a heightened awareness of our mortality. Time begins to feel precious and pressing. We find ourselves ruminating on the choices we’ve made, the paths we’ve taken, and the dreams we have ignored. Our tolerance for inauthenticity wears thin, and it is replaced by a yearning for deeper meaning and a nagging sense that perhaps we haven’t fully embraced our potential or pursued what we have always desired.

It is often during these introspective moments that life’s inevitable disruptions – a health scare, a career setback, the ending of a significant relationship, or even the wars and pandemics – strike with particular poignancy. These experiences can shake us from our slumber of complacency, forcing us to confront the delicate balance of life and the impermanence of all things.  

While these disruptions can be unsettling, they also hold the potential for profound transformation. They invite us to re-evaluate our values, reassess our priorities, and reconnect with the deepest desires of our souls.

It is in the chaos of these confusing challenges that we discover the inherent freedom to choose how we respond, how we build, and how we create a life that resonates with authenticity and meaning. We no longer dodge. In fact, we can no longer tolerate the part of us that lies to ourselves and fades into complacency.

That’s why when we are hit with a midlife crisis, or when we are forced to come face to face with our existential dread, it is not always a bad thing. It could be what saves us.

What is Existential Therapy and Coaching?

Existential therapy and coaching provide a framework for navigating these existential questions and anxieties. Unlike some therapies that focus on symptom reduction or changing specific behaviors, existential therapy delves into the underlying meaning and purpose of your life. It’s about understanding how you create meaning, confront your anxieties about freedom, death, and isolation, and ultimately live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Focusing on the Present: Existential therapy emphasizes living in the present moment rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. It’s completely understandable to find yourself caught in the past or anticipating the future, that is our human predicament.  While exploring past traumas may be a part of the process, existential therapy primarily focuses on your current dilemmas and struggles. As Eckhart Tolle said: “The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.”  The past is in the past, it gives us information. But our focus is on making the choices from here that will create a future that feels true and congruent. 

Full Accountability: Existential therapy encourages you to take ownership of your choices and their consequences, recognizing your power to shape your life. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for things that were not your fault. It’s natural, and even necessary, to grieve and process things like childhood neglect, toxic family dynamics, and trauma.  Existential therapy acknowledges this, but it also nudges you back towards taking charge and cultivating a sense of agency. Where in your life can you reclaim your power? What is ultimately in your control and what is not?

Exploring Meaning and Purpose: Existential therapy and coaching help you explore what gives your life meaning by clarifying your values— something that is uniquely yours, not just based on a laid down script. This is particularly relevant for gifted individuals grappling with existential angst, those who never feel they’re doing enough, misfits who haven’t found their place, those gaslit by family, or immigrant children who have lived their parents’ stories. What truly matters to you? What kind of life do you want to create?

Confronting Existential Anxieties: Existential therapy and coaching don’t shy away from difficult emotions like anxiety, fear, and despair. Instead, it provides a safe space for you to explore these feelings and find ways to manage them. Often, without realizing it, our deep-rooted existential dread ripples into other areas of our lives. Procrastination, perfectionism, and difficulty forming meaningful connections are some common symptoms that we might not initially link to existential issues, but the connection is often there. Are you experiencing any of these challenges?

Building Authentic Relationships: Perhaps you deeply crave a soulmate but are afraid to show up fully, to be vulnerable and authentic. Maybe you are grasping the big question of ‘staying or leaving’. You may wonder if you are ‘settling’ for something or how to be a better lover. You may have longed for a soulmate who meets you intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually but feel you could never find it. Existential therapy can help you explore these fears and develop the courage to build the relationships you desire— be it with yourself, or others. 

 

 

Existential Therapy and Coaching:  Combining Western and Eastern Philosophies

Existential therapy and coaching offer a unique approach to navigating life’s profound questions, our goal is to move beyond the quick fixes often sought in our modern world, or even modern-day psychotherapies. Emerging from the existentialist movement of the 20th century, my approach is grounded in the work of numerous existential philosophers, including Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Sartre, and de Beauvoir, and utilizes a hermeneutic, or interpretive, lens. This means focusing on your unique lived experience, how you create meaning in your life, and your search for authenticity in a world that feels ‘absurd’, much like Camus and Nietzsche described. Kierkegaard emphasized the importance of individual subjective experience; Nietzsche, with his proclamation that “God is dead,” challenged traditional sources of meaning; Sartre’s concept of radical freedom highlighted the anxiety inherent in self-creation; and Beauvoir explored these complexities within social and political structures. I  Standing on the shoulders of these giants, in existential therapy I draw from their aphorisms and philosophical insights to provide a framework for understanding and navigating the human condition.

While the distinctions between philosophical schools are complex and often debated within academic circles, my practice is deeply rooted in the traditions of Continental philosophy, particularly its emphasis on your subjective experience and your search for meaning in a world without inherent meaning. This differs from the Analytic tradition, which prioritizes logic, empirical evidence, and objective truth, often informing therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). While CBT and similar approaches offer valuable tools for many by identifying and modifying maladaptive thoughts and behaviors, they often operate within a framework that assumes a pre-existing objective reality and a set of “correct” ways of thinking and behaving.

Existential therapy, however, charts a different course. It doesn’t presume to offer you the correct way of thinking or being. Instead, it recognizes the profound reality that you are thrown into a world without inherent meaning, a world where you are uniquely responsible for creating your values and forging your meaning. In our work together, we won’t shy away from the difficult emotions—the dread, the angst, the guilt—that inevitably arise from this realization. Instead, we’ll explore these feelings together, delving into their roots and empowering you to navigate them in ways that foster growth, resilience, and a deeper understanding of yourself and your place in the world.

I also integrate Eastern philosophies like Buddhism and Taoism. I’ve found especially deep wisdom in Lao Tzu and Zhuangzi’s teachings, recognizing their distinct yet complementary contributions. Lao Tzu’s Daodejing emphasizes Wu Wei (non-action or effortless action), a concept relevant to our modern struggles with hustle culture and toxic, capitalistically-driven lifestyles. Wu Wei isn’t passivity, but aligning oneself with life’s natural flow, acting with effortless ease, and avoiding unnecessary striving. It encourages a gentler, more receptive approach to life, counteracting the pressures to “do” and “achieve.” It offers an antidote to the relentless pursuit of external validation, promoting a more grounded sense of self-worth from deep within.

Zhuangzi’s philosophy, with its playful and paradoxical nature, offers a unique perspective on freedom. Unlike the Western existentialist notion of radical freedom as a burden, Zhuangzi’s freedom is liberation from fixed perspectives and societal expectations. It’s a freedom found in embracing the fluidity and interconnectedness of all things, recognizing the limitations of rigid definitions and reality’s ever-changing nature. I’ve found this particularly useful for self-identified “misfits” and heretics. Many gifted individuals and independent thinkers love Zhuangzi’s theories once they understand them. His perspective on freedom (Xiao Yao) can be liberating, allowing individuals to detach from social comparison and the pressure to conform. It encourages playful exploration and acceptance of life’s paradoxes.

Buddhism’s concept of “no-self” (anatman) provides another powerful tool. While seemingly counterintuitive, understanding there’s no fixed, permanent self can be incredibly liberating. It allows us to detach from anxieties associated with clinging to a particular identity. By recognizing our being’s impermanent and interconnected nature, we can free ourselves from the fear of loss and the pressure to maintain a rigid self. This cultivates compassion, for ourselves and others, as we recognize our shared humanity.

 So, circling back, existential therapy and coaching is a rigorous and deeply personal journey. It’s about delving into the fundamental “Why?” questions of your existence, rather than simply addressing the “How?” of managing symptoms. As Nietzsche so aptly wrote, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” This speaks to the core of existential work: discovering your own “why,” your own purpose and meaning, which can provide a powerful anchor in the face of life’s inevitable challenges. Existential therapy is about embracing the freedom and responsibility inherent in being human and, with that embrace, consciously crafting a life of authenticity and purpose.

This approach can be particularly helpful in navigating a wide range of life’s complexities, including midlife crises, grief and loss, relationship challenges, career dissatisfaction, existential depression, and the lingering effects of trauma. It is not one-size-fits-all. For instance, someone grappling with a midlife crisis might explore long-held dreams that have been deferred or forgotten, reviewing the choices that have led them to their present and developing the courage to envision a new future. A person navigating grief — visible or invisible— might confront the reality of mortality, find solace in cherished memories, and move on while carrying wounds in their heart. A gifted soul battling with constant angst that they must ‘do something’, or with procrastination and perfectionism might explore the underlying existential anxieties related to freedom, responsibility, and the uncertainties of life so that they can address these surface symptoms. Someone working through the impact of trauma might find empowerment in reclaiming their narrative, integrating their experiences into a larger life story, and finding their sense of agency and power again. Ultimately, in multi-dimensional and dynamic ways existential therapy provides a framework for understanding and addressing the human condition in all its complexity,  hopefully, we can support you in creating a life that aligns with your deepest values and aspirations.

 

“Life begins on the other side of despair.” – Satre 

Reflective Prompts to Start the Process

Consider again  Sartre’s “curse” of freedom: we are condemned, not to restriction, but to perpetual choices. We cannot escape the responsibility of creating our own meaning. This realization can be daunting, even terrifying, but also profoundly empowering. Once we accept our freedom’s inescapable nature, we can engage with it consciously, crafting a life aligned with our deepest values. This is often where existential therapy and coaching can be helpful.

If you’re currently grappling with a midlife crisis, haunted by nagging existential dread or feeling stuck, these reflective prompts may offer a starting point for your exploration:

• If you currently feel existential dread, what is its texture? How does it manifest physically, emotionally, and mentally? What thoughts and images arise? When is it most prominent?
• Has existential dread ever been a “necessary violent push,” jolting you out of complacency? What form did this push take? How did it impact you?
• Recall a time you consciously chose inaction. How did it influence your understanding of free will?
• How do you slip into “bad faith”? What masks do you wear, and what roles do you play to avoid your authentic values?
• Calculate your estimated remaining lifespan in weeks: (80 – your age) * 52. What does this number evoke? What feels possible? What thoughts and feelings arise when you confront this reality?
• Given your limited time, what would you do if you knew you could not fail? What energizes you most, knowing time is precious?
• These reflections aren’t for easy answers but to explore your existential landscape. They’re a starting point for navigating freedom, responsibility, and meaning-making in a finite existence. The journey may be challenging, but the potential for growth and self-discovery is immense.

Existential therapy and coaching help you confront dread and create a more authentic and fulfilling life. It encourages you to own your choices and create a life aligned with your values, even amid uncertainty.

Note: This exploration of existential dread and freedom’s “curse” draws inspiration from a longer piece incorporating additional perspectives, including Zhuangzi’s liberating philosophy.  For a more comprehensive understanding, consider seeking out the original article, which includes Zhuangzi’s insights.