Why Therapy Doesn’t Work For You
Why doesn’t therapy work for you? It might be because you and your therapist do not form a good fit, or that they have little understanding of your particular struggles. There could be multiple reasons why therapy is not working for you. The answer might be more complex than you imagine, especially if your symptoms include mood instability and complex trauma.
If you identify with traits of emotional instability, you may find that your feelings are constantly shifting, or feel that you are on the verge of spiralling out of control. Such a reaction is often more than just a mood shift. You may get the feeling that you can go from being ‘normal’ one minute to feeling and acting like a completely different person the next. It is as if there are different personalities or ‘modes’ (Young, Klosko, and Weishaar, 2003) inside you. All these modes come with their own mannerisms, feelings and personalities. For instance, you can be particularly prone to anger in one mode (The Angry Child mode), and feel sad and completely fragile in another (the Vulnerable Child mode). One moment you are impulsive, the next you are numb, detached, and shut down. When you are in a destructive mode, the healthier, more resourceful parts of you seem to vanish, and you are not able to bring yourself back to calm.
What makes the situation even more difficult is that sometimes the triggers for your emotional flips are not known to you. You may simply ‘wake up feeling bad’ without knowing why. This is a core issue for those who struggle with emotional regulation, and the constant mode shift also makes it difficult to hold onto a solid sense of self – as a result, you may be left with the dreadful feeling of hollowness inside.
By combining theories from the fields of cognitive psychology and neuroscience, this article explains how this kind of sudden and drastic shift in your feelings and behaviours can happen, and why traditional therapies such as CBT may be limited when it comes to addressing these issues.
The Power Of Our Memories
Every day, we absorb information from the outside world through our five senses. As adults, we automatically connect the day-to-day information coming our way with what is already in our system, in order to make sense of what is going on. For instance, right now you are linking up the words you are reading to your knowledge about English grammar, vocabulary, and syntax that was previously stored in your memory network. In other words, your memories are the basis of your current perception, and how you respond to people and events in your life is to a large degree based on your past experiences.
In psychology, the relationship between conscious and unconscious memories is illustrated as an iceberg, with the majority of our memories remaining buried and unconscious below the waterline. Your current attitudes, emotions, and sensations are not simply reactions to a current event but are also manifestations of physiological information stored in your memory. Everything that has ever happened to you was recorded in your memory, even if you do not consciously recall it all.
According to the Adaptive Information Processing Model (Shapiro, 2007), our brains have a processing system that is naturally geared towards integration and healing. When uninterrupted, it has the ability to link up useful and restorative memories with the difficult ones, to help us maintain emotional equilibrium.
However, when we come across a particularly difficult or traumatic situation that overwhelms us, the brain’s adaptive processing is disrupted. The distressing incident will then get stored in our minds in a way that is ‘frozen in time’. It becomes a stand-alone piece of information that is disconnected from the other parts of our memory network. We may not even consciously remember it. Often, our negative behaviours and uncontrollable feelings are the results of this dysfunctionally held information (Shapiro, 2001).
Why Therapy Doesn’t Work: The answer lies in your invisible trauma
Much of how we relate to the world around us is learned in the first few years of our lives.
New findings in neuroscience inform us that our early attachment patterns deeply affect the way we process information throughout life. Securely attached children learn from an early age that they can trust not just the world and those around them, but also how they feel within themselves. As adults, when distress happens, they can trust their own ability to regulate and modulate their own states.
However, in other cases where the caregivers were unavailable, aggressive, unpredictable or not able to regulate emotions themselves, there would be a rupture in the child’s attachment patterns.
Children are not meant to be left on their own to deal with emotional upsets. Without a responsive caregiver to be there to mirror their feelings and to model healthy regulation, a child would not know what to do and would be overwhelmed by his/her own distress. Their experience would result in complex trauma that they likely carry into adulthood.
This is being vividly demonstrated in the Still Face Experiment (a famous psychology experiment conducted in 1975 by Edward Tronick, a short YouTube video clip can be found here.) As you can observe in the video, the emotional dysregulation caused by the mother’s lack of mirroring is so horrific that it cannot be taken in or understood by the child’s brain. It overwhelms his natural processing system, resulting in psychological trauma.
Most psychologists support the theory that BPD is a result of early traumatization (Timmerman & Emmelkamp, 2001), often of chronic, developmental and relational nature. These traumas are the result of a series of repeated, often ‘invisible’ childhood experiences of maltreatment, abuse, neglect, and situations in which the child has little or no control or perceived hope to escape. As a result, these children’s memories will be dissociated into fragments. There is a breakdown in their capacity to process or integrate their experience and their own states. Even as adults they feel ungrounded, fragmented, and unable to hold onto a solid sense of self.
Frozen Memory Might Be Why Therapy Doesn’t Work For You
During the first six years of life, we live in what is called a Delta Theta brainwave state. Before we are able to think rationally or to express ourselves, all experiences- good, bad and ugly, are recorded through the reasoning level of a child. This is particularly problematic when memory is negative because the original distressing situation will be stored in the brain in its original form, with the visceral reactions and logical reasoning of a child’s mind. For instance, even when nothing objectively disastrous may have happened, if as a five-year-old we felt unloved or rejected by the world, the memory remains within us- with all the helplessness, hopelessness, and fear of a five-year-old.
When you go through emotional trauma, even a small one, your higher rational thinking is disconnected. When you are in shock, your brain dissociates— it tries to ‘lock up’ the incident and all the associated feelings in a drawer of your memory bank. In other words, you remain ‘stuck’ because that piece of traumatic experience is stored in isolation, unintegrated with the larger system, and therefore it is unable to link up with newer, more useful and adaptive information that promotes healing (e.g. I am an adult now and not everyone hates me).
Why Do You Regret What You Say Or Do?
Your subconscious mind works by association, so without your conscious awareness, it can be triggered by seemingly random imagery and sensory associations. Sometimes the association is so subtle and rapid that your reasoning mind is not able to catch up or make sense of it.
Whenever something occurs that the mind associates with your original upset, the memory of that bad experience is reactivated. You may suddenly feel drastically different, have certain intrusive thoughts, or act in a certain way. When you have a ‘mode flip’, it is as if you suddenly switch from being a rational adult into being a tantrum-throwing child. This is because, in a way, you are reliving the trauma at the level of a child. As a result, you may lash out at your partner, have unexplainable rage, or engage in addictive or self-sabotaging behaviour without knowing why.
While the image of the event may not come back consciously (flashback), as it would tend to do if you have actual PTSD, the negative self-talk that you consistently engage in (e.g. ‘I am no good’, ‘I am not safe’, ‘I cannot trust anyone’) is directly related to the perspective you had at the time of the original bad experience. The knot in your stomach, tightness in your chest, the feeling of fear, the shame and the powerlessness are all directly related to the original event or series of events that you experienced as a child.
We have little control over these episodes or outbursts because whenever our trauma memories are reactivated, the conscious, logical, thinking mind gets bypassed. This is a mechanism that is hardwired to protect us: Since there is a perceived threat, our fight-flight system kicks in and takes over for the purpose of survival or protection, and is given priority over reasoning and logic.
The reason we cannot easily identify our actions as responses is that we may be totally unaware of the stimulus that caused them. However, it is useful to know that when our reaction seems ‘illogical’ or ‘disproportionate’, the real stimulus is almost always a memory.
‘That’s why time doesn’t heal all wounds, and you may still feel anger, resentment, pain, sorrow, or a number of other emotions about events that took place years ago. They are frozen in time, and the unprocessed memories can become the foundation for emotional problems. … And since the memory connections happen automatically, below conscious level you may have no idea whats really running your show.’
Shapiro 2015, p. 23
The Real Answer for Why Therapy Doesn’t Work For You
‘Why doesn’t therapy work for me?’ You might have asked this question critically many times. No matter what the real answer is, it is important to know that it is not your fault.
It is proposed that about 10-20 unprocessed memories are responsible for most of the pain and suffering in our lives (Shapiro, 2015). However, the number may be much higher for chronically neglected or bullied children.
Traditional forms of therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), may not be effective in healing the deep emotional trauma that causes your current reactive responses because most of these pre-language trauma memories are shielded from your cognitive process. Your intellectual, ‘logical’ brain gets bypassed when you are triggered. So even if you logically know that your reactions are ‘irrational, it doesn’t change your emotional reality, which still contains the feelings, perceptions and physical sensations you once felt as a child. Where CBT may teach you to suppress or argue with your negative emotions, more often than not, before your logical mind can take over, you have already acted out from your emotional brain.
CBT or other ‘intellectual’ ways of coping also assume that it is your ‘irrational’ thoughts that cause all the problems. As we have reviewed, the idea that thoughts precede emotions is not true in most cases. For emotional pain that finds its roots in developmental and attachment injuries, it is unrealistic to think that one can ‘think’ oneself into healing and integration.
Moreover, as an emotionally sensitive and intuitive individual, having a real, synergistic relationship with the person that you are working with is essential. Not only is it about trust and rapport, it is also about what your therapist emulates, and the ‘health’ of the energy in the room where healing occurs. One of the ‘roadblocks’ (Markowitz, 2005) to CBT being effective is that if the therapist focuses solely on what she considers to be ‘dysfunctional thoughts’, she neglects the fact that she is facing a multi-dimensional individual with his own unique psychological, social and biological make-up. After all, the whole point of therapy is not just to download a set of skills that you can find from self-help books, but to gain from the synergistic work between you and a therapist who has done work on him/ herself and is able to model qualities such as assertiveness and resilience from the inside-out.
Therapies that create lasting change work on a visceral and relational level. On top of the therapeutic relationship, your therapist may incorporate experiential techniques that evoke impact in an emotionally connected way. These techniques aim to produce changes on a physiological and even neurological level, bypassing the cognitive mind.
EMDR, for instance, uses a technique called ‘bilateral stimulation’ to directly evoke a healthy connection within your memory network, linking up the bad, locked up memories with the good, adaptive ones. Schema Therapy uses certain experiential strategies and the therapeutic relationship to promote healing on an emotional level. Other body-based techniques such as Somatic Experiential are also effective in creating changes from the ‘bottom-up’, rather than ‘top-down.
Ideas concerning which therapies are most effective have changed in recent years. The newest research challenges the old assumption that long-term intensive treatment is essential for good outcomes, as it was found that therapies with various integrative modalities can have equally, if not more positive outcomes. If you had felt ‘stuck in talking therapy or were frustrated with constantly arguing with your own mind, it may be worth exploring these alternatives. Do give yourself the time and opportunity to look around, as this is an important investment in yourself. The real therapeutic work comes from honouring your specific needs as an emotionally sensitive and intense individual.